Utter Numbness

Have you experienced a time, when you don’t get it, and you just don’t get it…

You don’t get what led you to act a certain way, you don’t get what made you go all the way.

All the way to that far end, where there is nothing ahead. You understand why you are taking a step backwards now, clearly you don’t want to fall into that deep dark pit.

It looks scary!

But right when you turn back to go where you came from, you realize you’ll have to climb steep uphill. In your oblivion, you thought you see the pit only now, but you had essentially travelled down half way! Now when you suddenly have your senses revived, you realize how must where you stand now look from that high point you were coming from. Probably just as scary as the rest of the pit looks like. You realize that you had travelled a long way through what you had otherwise declared as a dead end!….

Now when you revive senses, it looks tiring to go all the way back up, worse even, you see yourself contemplating the idea of jumping further down; because it might not be as difficult as it looks when you look down. It might be exactly the same way as experienced when you were coming down from the top. But now it suddenly hits you that you lack the pull that you initially felt. So you might not be able to go further.

You take a few more steps backward. And again it hits with a greater degree of realization that there had been a pull to this dead end throughout. This dead end, the mid way of which you are standing now. What an oxymoron! Midway of a dead-end!

And you are suddenly laughing out loud, from somewhere within you, you can’t really place. You don’t understand the laughter. It shakes you and you start feeling your eyes showering warm tears on your face. You are still now, but more confused than ever, because you don’t realize the noise is your laughter or your sobs. The laughter now fades, and sobs continue for a while. But there is no sound now. No pain.

And right then you see something strange. Some strong, external, unknown force jamming the mouth of that pit with something solid, something concrete, like a sheet of ice, but not cold, like a rock, but its not hard. You feel you could may be try to move it, but you lack the pull anymore. What remains in the pit, remains in it, nobody finds out!

May be somewhere back in your head you justify that it’ll be lots of cumbersome travelling without end. You are curious to find out, but you lack the thrill, the urge, the pull that you had felt travelling to where you stand now. So you don’t try digging… You want to, but you don’t really want to either.

You get too tired… there is numbness all around. You start believing you deserve to take a nap…… You don’t know how long you slept, once you wake up. Everything looks different. There is no pit, there is no uphill…. There is none far far away…. but you know it wasn’t a dream. You still feel the numbness around you.

The numbness continued for long.

The feeling of no feeling…. of no pleasure…no pain… Of no loss..no gain….

The feeling of indifference…yet a sadness, for all your efforts going in vain.

What is this numbness, where does it come from…Nobody knows!!

When will it go? Nobody would know!!

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3 thoughts on “Utter Numbness

  1. Raza says:

    This is brilliantly written. As I was reading ,I felt part of the experience ,I felt I was there., This is amazing expression.

    May you get beautiful rewards of your efforts and I wish your endeavours never go in vain.

  2. hill says:

    your analogy is beautiful…how you compared an experience with a concrete dip pit, halfway and climbing back is absoltely beautiful… you surely KNOW how to write,
    explaining the laughter… so clear
    sheet of ice.. but not cold.. :) beautiful expression..
    and i fell in love with your writing….
    “numbness”

    …………………FLOAT on ur numbness, on the moment when it occurs (be it for a day or few secs.)..and be grateful that you can float becuse He takes care of you and keeps you on surface..dont trust yourself if you cant, trust Him.. float if you can, drown if He s letting you.. and i have a faith He would never let you…… love!!!

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