HE Hears!

He Listens..to the prayers..to the murmurs..to all of us……To all of us!

Some say pass me in exams, and HE Hears…some say get me married to this person I’ve been love with forever, and HE Hears…some cry for the life of their mother, or child, and He Hears it…HE Grants it or not, but HE Hears….Hears me when I pray to HIM. Hears me when there are no words uttered from my mouth, Hears me when theres no one left around me, to hear me. Hears me when my thoughts are not even formed. Hears me before my pen even starts to scribble.

Let alone all other of HIS attributes, just the fact that HE Hears.. is grand..and awe-inspiring.

HE Hears and Listens…to the cries and to the laughters of my fellow men, HE Hears the coo-ing, and the moo-ing of my fellow living beings. HE Hears the whistling cries of the insects at night. HE Hears those plants that no one could hear. HE Hears!

When I look around me and hear people, I wonder how many lives, how many problems HE Solves every minute. That Being Who is the Creator of all the problems, the Creator of all the solutions, the Creator of love. What an emotion, feeling, spirit it is that HE Created. He, the Creator of faith. Oh, how I want to know more about HIM. When I look around, I am lost in the beauty of HIS Creation. How Beautiful a Being must HE Be!!.. How True an Existence must HE Be..that Creator of truth!.. How Creative that Creator must be!

That Creator of all qualities. The Creator of all abilities. The Creator of Hearing!.. What an Audience must HE Be?..

Just the very fact that HE Hears me gives me peace. HE Hears!!… The Creator of peace… HE Hears!

And I just heard somewhere in my heart that HE heard me..and HE just heard all that I wrote. HE just heard all that I explained, and all that I failed to explain with my limited words…and HE just heard all that is in my heart…in that part of my heart where even I can’t dive… He just Heard! .. :)

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I cut my wings when I heard I am Good!

Why does it feel so good to hear someone praise you…its one of the more common things that we feel..may be that instant ego boost!

You might have experienced someone praising you, someone utterly confident in his/her own self. Someone whose personality you feel overshadows many others’… That someone acknowledging you, appreciating your qualities, to an extent that before realizing you start depending on them….waiting for them to look at you..to be nice to you..waiting anxiously to be treated in a particular fashion by them; which if done, may still leave you unsatisfied in the end…depending on them to make you feel wanted..feel special…make you feel better…better than what?better than when? better than when they never admired you or never recognized your qualities!… I think, No!… better than when they saw you and appreciated to the extent that they overpowered you…and you kept leaving open little rooms of exploitation for them.

Its not to judge them. No.. They may very well not have meant to overpower or manipulate. Actually, thats not even the point…

The point is that we get overwhelmed!..to the extent that we become vulnerable.. to that desire that lights in us…to the anxiousness of wanting to get noticed, to just become the center of that one glance that you think makes you ‘you’ now, that you think makes you happy, satisfies you, soothes the pain inside.

And then…

In our utmost effort of being given that slightest amount of eye and attention, again and again, we try doing as they do, talking as they do…trying to be what they want us to be…being what they want us to be…

What is it?

I would say its not them…its us!.. its us who’ve managed to chain our feet so intricately that just the very thought of getting out of them is so tiring..We’ve cut our own wings so closely that we start believing we never had any..that we never used to fly..and even if we did, we don’t like to anymore..Why?.. its that point we don’t really give any importance to why not!

In our attempt to find peace, peace from our praises, peace in ourselves, we threw away the most precious thing, our self-esteem, our freedom, our true peace, we gave away ourselves!!.

The Fragile Infant

The day I saw hope again was the day I may not forget anytime soon…The light seemed enough to keep me going through all the dark. But the hope is new born, its like an infant who is weak.. A slight jolt would push it hard, would hurt it, to an extent that’ll either take time to recover, or will just be unbearable for the time. I don’t want my fragile hope, this weak little infant to go through this pain…I thought I’ll give myself a chance again. It’ll be wrong to say that I thought I’ll give someone else a chance, because really, you don’t do it for them, you yourself need it more than anyone. So, I thought I’d give myself a chance again…Hoping I’d succeed..Knowing deep within that i won’t… but still hoping…or trying to hope, at the very least!.. But the wounds are fresh. If I try to pat them now, it won’t be long before they bled again.. and I don’t want that! Because the wound is mine, the pain that’ll be felt will be mine, the loss of blood will be mine, which I know no one else keeps the capacity to clean for me… and I don’t want them to either!

May be I’d give myself a chance once they are healed, when there is a covering over it, the dark side of my beautiful skin, that i know will eventually chip off..if not rubbed off too much. The scar will stay, might stay, as I m not quite sure. But it’ll be my skin that’ll feel beneath that scar. The skin that covers my flesh. The skin that hides all that is to be hidden… all that may be common amongst us all, but is not to be talked about… The beautiful skin that hides our tabooed! our nude flesh, with all its colour and odour, with all its despicability, with all thats to be hidden.

And here I am, scared to give anything good a chance; with the fear of being hurt. back to square one, I am back to where I started.. They say the fear of something dies down once the fear has been realized.. may be in my case so far this doesn’t hold true. The fear pushes me back into my box. The fear of my flesh getting exposed, and it hurting.. and it hurting alot!

Its only after that we see……

Stay indifferent if so hard to love them or like them.

But if you don’t like what they do, then just don’t like what they do! then just don’t do what they do!

But don’t hate them!!

Sometimes its not even their fault, sometimes there’s not even an evil intention behind what they did… Just don’t do what they do, and stay by it…

Even if there is evil intention involved, love is a bigger power, it can straighten up worst of the crooked metal, and heal the deepest wounds!

On the other hand,

If you like what they do, appreciate!!!!!!!

and also like what they do!!…

Analyze what they do and adopt… but love them also… they just taught!!

Anyday before the last breath is a good time to learn!!

Don’t be afraid of pain,

Its only after it stops hurting that life becomes conducive to learning!

Its only after that we start converging to become what we trurly are!

Its only after that the obstacles and the hindrances seem to blur in our surroundng.

Its only after that we feel the pleasure in no pain!

Its only after that we see light!!

Its only after that we see….

Today :)

I know that I should make an impression, try looking good in people’s books,

but today I don’t care!

I know I’ve done many mistakes, many blunders, some intentionally, sometimes unintentionally,

of which some I might regret, some I forgive myself for, some I seek forgiveness for,

but today I don’t care!

I know I should try seeking forgivess of those I’ve hurt, and there’d be many!

Some forgive me, its nice of them, I take it as a favour they’ve done upon me, but even if they don’t, today I don’t care!

I know there have been and there will be many things that cause/d me harm,

and harm is as I perceive it to be….. some caused me pain, but today I don’t care!!

I know there are people who I don’t like, people who haven’t been nice..people who have been nice, but I still don’t like…

people who scheme against people

I know some should apologize before I forgive them, but I forgive them anyway, because today I really don’t care!

Does that make me any better or any worse, I think today I won’t care.

I wish I could be like that any given day…oblivious to the expectations of those who matter, ignorant of my duties towards anyone…

open about my fears….

lively to the extent that I surpass all my fears…

If I am like this tomorrow or not was of concern to a person that I was yesterday…

I look forward to the next day, but about what I will be then and what happens then, today I don’t care!!

!

Can’t Thank YOU Enough!

I’ve got one life, its very short, could be long, only if I chose to prolong the suffering today! I gotta let go! Make the most out of this one life thats been given to me. And Really!! thats all that I have that matters!!!

I can’t thank HIM enough for giving me some of those experiences that make me me today. Some that were liberating in ways unimaginable. I wish I could have the words to describe only some of the realizations that have dawned on me. In my case, I know there are and there will be lessons that I am and will be drawing solely from this one for many many of my days to come. Its excititng in a way!

Sometimes we go a step back by a grief thats been caused by a loss. I am glad there are people around me who can see the little glitter of light even in pitch dark, who can feel the slight tinge of pleasure in what new has been bestowed upon them even in their utter feeling of sorrow!

I am thankful I was born to a mother who was different from others in many many ways. Ways that majority can not appreciate as odd. I am glad I am like her in alot of ways, not because it makes me a better or a more special person, which neither of us are, but because if I weren’t like that I would have been deprived of the vision that sees and understands the sublte beauty in her way of doing good that many can not see!!

I am glad that I was brought down in these circumstances that define what I am!…And ofcourse we are all defined by our circumstances, as many put it. But for a lack of better expression, I am glad that I received this life in my circumstances, and not in anyone else’s. I am siblings to my sister and brother. This world would ‘ve made a different sense to me, I am glad today it makes this sense to me that it does!…

I thank YOU for giving me a chance!!

Utter Numbness

Have you experienced a time, when you don’t get it, and you just don’t get it…

You don’t get what led you to act a certain way, you don’t get what made you go all the way.

All the way to that far end, where there is nothing ahead. You understand why you are taking a step backwards now, clearly you don’t want to fall into that deep dark pit.

It looks scary!

But right when you turn back to go where you came from, you realize you’ll have to climb steep uphill. In your oblivion, you thought you see the pit only now, but you had essentially travelled down half way! Now when you suddenly have your senses revived, you realize how must where you stand now look from that high point you were coming from. Probably just as scary as the rest of the pit looks like. You realize that you had travelled a long way through what you had otherwise declared as a dead end!….

Now when you revive senses, it looks tiring to go all the way back up, worse even, you see yourself contemplating the idea of jumping further down; because it might not be as difficult as it looks when you look down. It might be exactly the same way as experienced when you were coming down from the top. But now it suddenly hits you that you lack the pull that you initially felt. So you might not be able to go further.

You take a few more steps backward. And again it hits with a greater degree of realization that there had been a pull to this dead end throughout. This dead end, the mid way of which you are standing now. What an oxymoron! Midway of a dead-end!

And you are suddenly laughing out loud, from somewhere within you, you can’t really place. You don’t understand the laughter. It shakes you and you start feeling your eyes showering warm tears on your face. You are still now, but more confused than ever, because you don’t realize the noise is your laughter or your sobs. The laughter now fades, and sobs continue for a while. But there is no sound now. No pain.

And right then you see something strange. Some strong, external, unknown force jamming the mouth of that pit with something solid, something concrete, like a sheet of ice, but not cold, like a rock, but its not hard. You feel you could may be try to move it, but you lack the pull anymore. What remains in the pit, remains in it, nobody finds out!

May be somewhere back in your head you justify that it’ll be lots of cumbersome travelling without end. You are curious to find out, but you lack the thrill, the urge, the pull that you had felt travelling to where you stand now. So you don’t try digging… You want to, but you don’t really want to either.

You get too tired… there is numbness all around. You start believing you deserve to take a nap…… You don’t know how long you slept, once you wake up. Everything looks different. There is no pit, there is no uphill…. There is none far far away…. but you know it wasn’t a dream. You still feel the numbness around you.

The numbness continued for long.

The feeling of no feeling…. of no pleasure…no pain… Of no loss..no gain….

The feeling of indifference…yet a sadness, for all your efforts going in vain.

What is this numbness, where does it come from…Nobody knows!!

When will it go? Nobody would know!!